see here's the thing

Mothering itself is a hard gig. (and Fathering, too, I assume - but I can only speak from my perspective.) You're constantly faced with "am I doing the right thing?" And the guilt, oy the guilt.

I've said before that mothering a child with Down syndrome is Mothering to the 21st degree. And it really is.

Is-my-child-hitting-milestones becomes Is-my-child-hitting-milestones-with-5-different-people-keeping-track.

And while you hope that all of those professionals have your child's best interests at heart (and we've been lucky in that respect, I think) the reality is that this is their job. And some days they don't want to be there. And some days they are thinking about their own kids. And some days your child is the hour they are just trying to get through.

And I'm having a hard time with turning my girl over. I'm sad. With Jackson, Derek and I just decided for a variety of reasons that we wouldn't do a traditional preschool. With Kira, it's this BIG DECISION that comes with more testing, and more paperwork, and new people observing and commenting and grading.

So, I worry about Jackson's future. But with Kira it feels that all of these decisions when she's just an almost three year old little girl will have such huge import on her future.

And who the hell decided that I was qualified for all of this? I know that with our kids we should presume competence, but I'm having a hard time believing in my own competence.

I'm sure that I'll look back at this post next year and realize that I was worried for nothing. I'm having a hard time right now, though.